Casper-itis: When Friends Ghost You Because They Are Now Regularly Getting Laid

This is a public service announcement.

I’m thinking this subject hits home for at least a few of you out there (am I right, @kaitlynabdou / Twitter). Of course, OF COURSE, when one falls in love, they can get swept away in it!  Finally, they have found the peanut butter, to their jelly.  The Sonny to their Cher…no wait, they got divorced. The Captain, to their Tennille. Shit, no, they got divorced too! OK the Barbara to their GHW Bush! Hah! Anyway!  People get stoked and they may get a little quieter in their communication, as these days, one’s thumbs can only type out a limited amount of text messages and fb tags a day. 

However, one should not DUMP their friends when they find love. I don’t mean, “I can’t hang every Friday night out now.”  I mean more like
— “new phone – who dis?” Just poof, MIA! Our friends are not just place holders for romantic relationships.  Our friends, our truly good friends, the ones who love us and support us emotionally and sometimes even physically (hey can I get a ride, can you babysit, can you let me watch GoT at your house with you???) for no other reason than that they think we are cool and good humans — these people do not lose value just because you are now getting your cardio primarily in the bedroom.

“Now that I have you Mr. Fuzzy, what need have I of silly friends?!”

Remember the golden rule — how would YOU feel if your friends did this to you?  Wouldn’t it feel shitty?  Wouldn’t you feel (literally) abandoned? Wouldn’t you also want to silly string “Give me back my Sex & the City DVD set” across their car?  No?  Only me?  OK fine.  But the point is, friendship is more than trading rides to the airport.  These platonic bonds are the stuff of life — they enrich us — just like a healthy and positive romantic relationship does (see also: Captain Wentworth).  To be well rounded people we should only cut out negative relationships, not ALL other relationships, and definitely not just glom onto our new s.o.

It has been noted many times that people who ditch their friends in favor of their new mate can become far less interesting to said mate and may even be seen as clingy because of it.  Keep your circle of friends!  For me these days it’s more like a semi-circle, or a very small arc, but damn it, my few besties are wonderful people, and I wouldn’t trade them for a flock of frenemies and hangers-on and muah-muah-see-you-at-the-next-event types for anything in the world!  And I think @Kaitlynabdou AND Captain Wentworth would back me up on this. 😉

Til Next time!

Time for a Coffee,

Maddy

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V-day thoughts and Brow Love!

Hello to all my Internet (secret and not so) Admirers!

Probably not going to be you if you try to go to a nice restaurant on Feb 14.

It’s already February – how did this happen?? Next week is Valentine’s Day!  You either are like “woo” or “boo” although a few of you are “WOOHOO!!!!” – much like the house I passed on my way home from dinner with Captain Wentworth last night that had a full-on Christmas level lighting scheme and major heart shaped décor going on!!  I’m going to be sexist and assume that’s a female who decorated that house and by GOD her mate better deliver next week or she’s totally gonna craft them a noose with raffia and glitter, that’s all I’m sayin’.

My current thoughts on Valentine’s day are summed up thusly.  All is well with Captain Wentworth and we have exchanged those three little words (“You are cool.” No, wait. “Like your butt.”  No that wasn’t it either, hmmm…) so 2019 Valentine’s day by default is a big thumbs up.  It’s also fun when you have kids because you get to put together vday cards or bake cookies and make them little presents and they are super happy which is cute!  Last year I was single and I have to say – folks, if you are online dating right now – GET OFF THE GODFORSAKEN APPS!  It was like the proverbial singles club meat market of days of yore when people actually used to meet without electronics involved!  I’m talking you’d exchange 2 sentences with someone on an app and they were like “…this app sucks – GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER!!  Let’s be REAL – WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF????????”  You.  You sir.  You sir are *exactly* what I am afraid of!

So I repeat, shut those profiles *down* for the next two weeks people – It’s hell out there!

Speaking of hell – try going to a restaurant on Valentine’s Day!  You’ll be lucky if the you can get into Denny’s or the 99! Better to do dinner at home the night of then do dinner out a few days before or after – although the Saturday after will also be pretty slammed. In any case, whether you are in romantic love with only yourself (which you should be in any case, cuz you rooooock!) or also in love with a significant other, or even a wee one, I wish you a very lovely Valentine’s Day full of beauty, joy, and awesome take-out cuz I’m telling you the restaurants are fucked, don’t even do it. ❤😃

Product Review: L’oreal Paris, Unbelievea Brow Gel, Light Brunette = 5 stars

Joan Crawford. Terrifying.

Yes, yes, I know the name is ridiculous but guuuuuuuurl (and you 2 guys reading this part!!!) it is AWESOME.  This is hands down the most perfect eyebrow product I have used so far, and I’ve been filling in my brows at least a little bit for at least 12 years, I think. Why fill your brows?  Well see for yourself below.  I personally feel it lends a certain youthfulness to the face to have a fuller brow, as long as you don’t go crazy with it and look like Joan Crawford (who had completely normal eyebrows when she was younger if you go back and look at older pics!).

Left brow = before gel, Right brow = after.
Yes, this picture sucks, I know.

I love this product because it’s a doe foot applicator so it doesn’t drag on your eyebrows like a pencil or brush with wax, and then there is a little mascara brush AND little make-up brush so you can comb thru and set your brow with precision. Plus it’s more or less waterproof although I’d have to do a swim test to really know for sure as I’m not hopping in the shower then taking a selfie for you guys – my beauty blog dedication only goes so far!  But I will say after I wash my face it’s still halfway there, which is handy if you are on vacay and don’t have all the time needed for your normal toilette! 

I used the Light Brunette shade and it is absolutely perfect for my dark brown hair and again, fills smoothly without giving you the ubiquitous Joan Crawford-type look you see going around! I wholeheartedly recommend!

And with that! Time for a coffee…  Maddy ❤

Hello 2019!

Holiday Wrap-up & Coconut Oil Fails

Dear Superior Subscribers and Righteous Random Readers,

You have survived the holidays! Have your credit card statements arrived from last month yet? (OUCH.) A local radio station here is giving away “4K a day” to help people pay for their Holiday spending bills. Is this really what the early Christians had in mind when they started celebrating the birth of Jesus? Everyone going into debt for the holidays? The utter commercialism of a holiday based on the birth of a man who really just wanted us all to be good to one another in the most basic, loving, and humble ways? Am I starting to whine like Charlie Brown? Maybe.

There is a store in California called Daiso (originating from Japan). Everything in Daiso is $1.50 an item. I shit you not — there are like 100 things at any given time in Daiso that I would be super psyched to get as a cute little gift. They are incredibly adorable things! Stationary/art things. Kitchen things. Little wacky doodads. Friggin’ wasabi peas, whatever! I’m not that picky! Just don’t give me a box of smashed secondhand candy like I received one time as an emergency gift back — I’m good, thanks.

I just don’t think we should all be going into debt when the true measure of your philia for each other, to me, is the following:

  1. How good were you to each other this year? Did you make a positive impact in the lives of those around you? Or an indifferent, or worse yet, a negative one?
  2. When you saw that your loved ones (or even just that old lady at CVS struggling to find the right sinus medication!) needed help — did you offer to help? Maybe not every time, but when you could?
  3. Did you smile and compliment someone randomly when you honestly felt they deserved a compliment, even though you were perhaps in an airport security line in the middle of the night because your ex husband is an asshat and booked your kid’s flight back from California for 5AM? Too specific? Just me???

Anyway! You know, stuff like that!
Let’s all be nicer, and more considerate to and understanding of one another for 2019. Let’s spend quality time together. Let that be a better measure of our love for each other over the things we can buy. Give it the inherent value it deserves.
Then go ahead buy me those $1.50 bunny shaped post-its and pens from Daiso, ‘cuz I got you the cute little sushi plates, and everyone’s happy! ;-p

*********

Gift-giving Note: Captain Wentworth got me some reeeeeeeally nice stuff for Christmas as noted in my last post. And I got him… a bottle of wine! ARGH!!! :-O However! I gave him my gift first and we hadn’t even discussed exchanging gifts, and blah blah, back pedal, back pedal anyway! I’m not saying I will match the expense level (‘cuz am pretty sure the expense level exceeded the entirety of my 2018 xmas budget, eek!), but next year, as a conscientious gift giver, I will certainly find something profoundly more meaningful than a tasty bottle of vino!!! However, at least I can say, that if my appreciation for him and his qualities as a person could be measured, boxed, and put under the tree, I’m pretty sure it’d take him at least a few hours to finish unwrapping it all.
🙂  

Coconut Oil: Use with Caution or Risk the 80’s “Wet Look” (which was only really ever sorta hot in a Robert Palmer video, let’s be real)

So recently at my Writer’s Group, a certain curly haired colleague of mine arrived and pointed out her new hairdo. (You said I could use this in my blog, P, haha!) I thought her hair was wet, like, freshly showered, still damp — wet. She told us how it was in fact, not wet, but it was a coconut oil conditioning treatment fail, and she had already washed her hair once or twice to remove, to no avail!

A similar look to leftover coconut oil!
https://www.pinterest.com/brttnyta/my-hair-experiments/

Yipes! I have put Argan oil in my hair and it was great, not greasy at all! But Argan oil is not quite the same as coconut oil as far as application as a conditioning treatment in your hair. Argan oil melts right in and does not have to be washed out. Coconut oil is a different animal (eeeer, plant. eeer, plant based derivative? whatever!). I discussed this with Katie Abdou
— author, friend, and beauty maven extraordinaire, as she had an excellent, and not 80’s at all experience with coconut oil conditioning.

Coconut oil saved my hair after a bleach disaster in my dreaded, and very brief, red hair phase. It’s extremely nourishing to the hair, but also extremely heavy. I usually soaked my hair in it, wrapped it in plastic, then a towel, and left it over night or for a few hours while cleaning the house. After, it took a good two to three, or sometimes even four shampoos to get it out. When it was at its worst, I did this treatment to my hair once a week. You definitely have to wash your hair VERY thoroughly after using it, especially if you have fine hair like me, but it can be hugely beneficial to dry or damaged hair.


— @KaitlynAbdou (Twitter)
This curly soft hair. YAS!

So P!
Keep on scrubbin’ that head, girl! You were on the right track, just a few more washes to go!

And with that, I wish you all a fabulous weekend ahead!

Time for a Coffee,

M!

I’m Baaaaaaaa-aaaack! Happy Holidays 2018!!

Hello and Happy Holidays to my dear Spectacular Subscribers and Ravishing Random readers!  Soooooo you may have noticed I took a WEE little tiny 4 year hiatus here!  Can I just say a HUGE thank you for you 29 subscribers who forgot you were subscribed to me and didn’t clean me out of your subscriptions!!  ❤  You are double the population of my twitter followers for the book I just published last month! (#sadirony). And yes!  I wrote a book!!!  I think it’s lovely but no one is buying it (see woeful 2nd half of today’s blog below).  If you would like a link to see my book on Amazon, please feel free to message me and I will supply it! It’s really quite an entertaining read (I say not humbly whatsoever)! 

So, for my blog reboot I am going to continue along the same themes of books, beauty, homelife, food, and of course writing. Some of you will notice from previous articles I am no longer married, but did in fact, after almost 4 years of being single, trade up for a far superior man I will henceforth call Captain Wentworth.  (You Austenites out there know what I’m talking about, right?)  {{Sly gangster style nods of appreciation happening towards phones and laptops by book nerds everywhere in cyberspace.}}  In fact! Captain Wentworth just gave me a beautiful 1869 first edition of Northanger Abbey/Persuasion for Christmas.  The awesomeness of the gift is only comparable to the even MORE lovely, “kindest and best of men” himself.  And with that, you can now wipe all the vomit off your phones and keyboards.  I will gush no more. I think.

Christmas 2018
DIY mani

Anyhoo! If anyone has any requests of things for me to discuss or review coming up, please feel free to comment down below, as I’m always looking for new items to discuss! I’m thinking the next post will be a holiday wrap up! And I really need to get back to documenting my diy manis.  I did a great one for Christmas and only one finger is still nice so here it is!  As always, I used Sally Hansen base + top coat, and in this mani I used a basic red OPI polish and the new “Resting Grinch Face” China Glaze glitter polish that just came out for the holidays! Also, very nice over black or a pewter shade if you wanted to work it into NYE!

Now see below for my new Author rant!

I bid you all adieu until the next installment!  I hope you all had the very Merriest of Christmases / a Happy Hanukkah, and that we are all looking forward to a most fabulous and prosperous New Year 2019 filled with love and fun!

And with that…

Time for a coffee!

–Mmmaddy

Confessions of a Nom de Plume

December 2018

I wrote a book! HUZZAH!!!

No one is buying my book! Boooooo. Hiss.

Aaaah the aching, empty, anticlimax of the (mostly) unread published author. For why do we write if not to be read? I suppose there is still the joy and catharsis in reading your own writing — in exercising your own demons and living your own fantasies spawned from the myriad facets of your subconscious self. But, damn it all to hell, I want the public to read my 20,000 words! My lovingly crafted, very much edited, painstakingly translated from my brain to the page over years and through much procrastination — 20,000 words. I don’t care if it’s just free at the library!  Someone read it!  I can’t even tell you right now the many reasons I want people to read it beyond the basic gratification of being read, because then I might expose myself, as I wrote the book under a (gasp) pen name. There goes the glory! You wrote a book, and NO ONE EVEN KNOWS YOU WROTE THE BOOK. You are published, but it pretty much feels like it didn’t happen.

Which begs the question — so why did I use a pen name? Why a pen name when the days of female authors being unread and discredited simply for a female name are long gone? Did I write some scandalous or salacious novel that would shock my friends and acquaintance? No.

Some embarrassing topic? Maybe? Sort of?  Not really.

Did I canvas a subject that may potentially get me sued for defamation of character and spawn entirely misguided Puritanical conclusions about my behavior? Yeah, it’s pretty much that last one there. Aaaand thus was born the pen name. So, what do I do about this? How can I market myself without exposing my identity? The answer is basically, I can’t really. Well, that’s not true. I tweet about my book using my pen name.  I even wrote a tweet that had over 5,000 impressions on twitter!  Sadly, of the 5,000 twitter streams being penetrated, it only got 3 likes. And 7 info clicks. And no sales or additional page reads whatsoever. Read as: viscerally, totally, and painfully — anticlimactic.

By the way, did it weird you out that I used the word “penetrated”? ‘Cuz if it did — right there, there’s the Puritanical thing surfacing from the deepest recesses of your mind — feign to deny it!  See. That’s why.  No negative personal assumptions garnered = pen name. Were I 23 instead of 43 and didn’t have a daughter (who’s friends, and moms have library cards and whatnot) this would be a different story.  I am not one to put my aspirations above my family’s domestic tranquility.  Domestic tranquility is a damn fine thing!  Anyone who has been divorced and has kids can back me upon this!

Thusly, my author self, on this one occasion, languishes in anonymity. However, a goal was completed.  Personal pride was won, and new lessons have been learned. First and foremost of those being: do NOT use a pen name.  :- p

Fin

Confessions of the Mother of a Picky Eater

5-29-mom

“OK, OK, stop being cute. I’ll make your damn flavorless butter noodles and 7 lettuce leaves with no dressing.” (sigh)

Before I had a child, I used to roll my eyes at the issue of kids who are picky eaters.  BK(Before Kids) I also liked to try and apply my dog training skills to child rearing.  “Well, if they won’t eat it just leave it out and eventually they’ll get hungry enough to eat it! You don’t want to spoil your dog…er, kid.”

Well, I have come to see that this tough love method doesn’t really work on humans.  Whereas a dog may abstain from eating their dog food temporarily in the hopes of eating table scraps, kids apparently abstain from eating particular foods because they inexplicably find them abhorrent and disgusting. While I am digging into a delicious pot of creamy gourmet crispy bacon-topped mac n’ cheese at a restaurant, my child is looking at me like “Barf!”  The same applies to all meat besides chicken legs and steak, any pasta that has more than butter and salt on it, salad dressings, and sandwiches(and the list goes on).

How did this happen to the once super well-adjusted eater that would happily eat a salad, chicken strips, salsa and hummus all in on sitting?  What happened to the chubby toddler who would eat a bowl of bean salad, a cup of minestrone soup and a ham and cheese sandwich?  Somewhere around pre-school foods started dropping off her previously wide open spectrum of edible delights.  The things she loves previously were now “gross.”  We hadn’t done anything differently at home — it just seemed to be a spontaneous thing.  Along with the food aversions came the weight loss.  She is a “normal” weight per her pediatrician, but when my child was always around 80-90% weight and drops down to 30% — it’s troubling, even if it’s irrational on my part.

Hence my inability to enforce the “tough love” and just let her starve one night when she rejects the pasta because I put too much parmesan cheese on it or whatever. The thought of her losing a couple pounds when she is already so slim is just not OK with me.  When I was growing up, my immigrant mother thought I was round and beautiful when I was clearly overweight in middle school, God bless her.  In fact I was called a picky eater growing up, but that certainly didn’t effect my weight, unless it caused me to eat more Chicken in a Biscuit crackers than whole grain breads — but who are we kidding — no one was taking about whole grains in the 80’s.  Well, no one that reached the middle school demographic anyway.

And so 5 days a week my cooking nights involve the meal for my husband and me, and the meal for the little Miss.  We will be eating homemade chicken curry over brown rice and she will be eating one of her 12 approved food items, and that’s acceptable, because counting the ribs on my 7 year old would not be, so there it is.

Mani of the Month

5 random compliments in a  week is pretty darn good!

At least 5 random compliments in a week is pretty darn good!

 

I can not tell you how many compliments I got the week I did this manicure.  Seems like everyone really likes the gold shatter over teal.  You can do this look with any teal/aqua polish and any of the gold shatter/crackles out there (if you can still find them!). Make sure you load the gold on there so it makes a nice constrasty pattern.

 

Books

You can check out my Goodreads to see what I’m reading right now.  I think I’m in a Regency phase right now — Navy SEAL theme goes right into Regency — obviously.

I am also wrapping up another Lux novel tonight I think.  I totally read the last page first, because I am naughty.  Another cliffhanger!  The next book isn’t even out until August — bah humbug!  This has been a fun series though, but I have a ton of series to finish so this will force me to get back to those, at least until August .  😉

And with that…

Time for a Coffee,

Mmmmmmaddy

 

 

 

Spring Books and Lovely Looks

4-29-14-booksAnnnnd just under the wire — a post for the month of April! Huzzah!

I am typing on a new laptop.  Excuse me, Toshiba (Satellite C75D-A) — what have you done to the keyboard that it looks the same as my last Toshiba, but causes me to make infinitely more typos?  I can barely get through a 2 sentence client e-mail without a typo, imagine formulating a blog post?  Torture!

But I digress. I’ve been reading some awesome classics, paranormal YA, and Romance, my usual eclectic fare. I am one book behind on my 50 book Goodreads goal for the year right now which meeeeans, I need to read faster!  Hah, since that’s not actually going to happen, I will use my usual cheat of reading a couple shorter Kindle books to bump up my numbers. What — like it’s easy to read 50 novels a year when you generally only have an hour to read every night?? Not so easy.  In any case, I have a few freebie Kindle romance books I downloaded that look possibly good, and very short.  Probably next up will be A SEAL’s Seduction, by Tawny Weber.

Now excuse me, but I couldn’t remember the name of the book but knew it had SEAL in it.  So I searched for “SEAL” in Goodreads. How many romance novels can there be about Navy SEALs after all? Um, apparently, many! <<<200>>> pages on Goodreads with at least a few of them being romance novels on each page!  WTF? There are whole series of SEAL romance novels apparently. Who knew?  This could be a Pandora’s box for me — you may never hear from me again after this because I’ll be on a Navy SEAL romance bender – I just, don’t, know!  Veeeeery interesting.

 

Beauty News

supercc_banner4I randomly picked up one of these new CC creams you have doubtless heard about.  I skipped right over BBs and went straight to CCs (insert bra joke: here).  In any case, I bought the Physician’s Formula Super CC + Cream in the Light shade and I LOVE it.  It’s just lovely.  It really does color correct very well — I’d say overall uneven color and even skin texture were improved by 80-90%.  Smooth a small amount on all over face, add just a TOUCH of concealer to any trouble spots, and voila! You are good to go!  OK fine, maybe add a hint of blush also — all ladies need some blush — anyone who denies this either has a fever or is sun-burnt — really, we ALL need some blush people.  Be that as it may, this CC cream is fabulous and I have already bought it twice at Rite Aid here in California for 40% off of $14, making it a serious bargain.  And for those who are too lazy to apply SPF30 sunscreen every day, it already has SPF30 in it — win-win!  It only comes in a few shades though — I hope they expand the line.  I am using Light right now and bought a Light/Medium for the summer months.

Give it a try!  And most places will return with receipt if you don’t like it, but I bet you will — so handy!

And with that…

Time for a… tea!  It’s 11PM, after all,

–Maddy

 

 

My Slightly Bitchy Synopsis of Frankenstein

Hi Everyone! And welcome new subscribers and visitors.
Sit back with a cup of coffee (or tea!), and enjoy my classical sci-fi crib notes…

I finished Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein (published in 1818) a few weeks ago, and as you can gather from my previous comments, I have some criticisms, but overall I would still say it’s still a must read for anyone interested in the origins of science fiction, as well as Gothic novel lovers everywhere.

Here is my (as brief as possible) Synopsis…

1) Captain Robert Walton tells the story in the form of letters to his sister Margaret Walton Saville.

a) He is seeking fame and fortune by attempting to explore the North Pole.
b) He and his crew see a giant, freaky, sasquatch-looking humanoid on a dogsled off in the distance, and then the next day fine a dying man floating on an ice floe, whom they bring on board.
c) Said dying man tells his tale.  He is Viktor Frankenstein.

2) Viktor Frankenstein: rich kid from Geneva, gone wild.

a) He had a lovely, happy life with his family, including his mother (who dies of scarlet fever before the monster shenanigans begin), his father, their ward Elizabeth, his brothers Ernest and William and William’s nanny Justine.
b) He goes about 410 miles away to school in Ingolstadt, Germany. He has become obsessed with science and re-animating life since his mother died, and sets out to learn how to do this.  He’s obviously a genius since he figures out re-animation without ever having even completed his university courses.
     c) He discovers said secret to reanimating life, and by this we’re not exactly sure if he used any cadaver parts or shaped them out of primordial goo because he never actually says, and tells Walton that he refuses to divulge his reanimation secret so it will not ruin the lives of others.
Note: this bothers the heck out of me as it seems to be not only a cop out of having to describe the magical process of reanimation, but we are not even told WHAT the creature is made of – we know it’s something foul, but I find this to be way too vague. In this way I will agree with Hollywood for giving the story more credibility in films by at least trying to explain both these issues (usually by saying the monster is made of salvaged cadaver parts and animated by electricity).
d) After creating the monster and seeing it come to life — EW BUGS! — Frankenstein is horrified by it and hides from it in another room, and I believe passes out. Seriously? You spend months lovingly crafting a giant putrid-looking (so the story describes) humanoid on a table and only realize it could possibly be creepy AFTER it wakes up and looks at you? Really?
e) The monster comes into the room where Frankenstein is hiding and upon seeing it again I think Frankenstein screams and passes out again (I could go check my Kindle to be sure, but you get the drift) and upon waking, he is immensely relieved that the monster has fled the premises.
Note: Um. Again, Frankenstein has just made a giant, gruesome-looking freak of a humanoid being, and it is now, running around town, naked for all he knows, doing God knows what, to God knows whom.  FWEW!  Success! Dodged that bullet! o.O
f) Frankenstein, who seems partial to fits, tremors and nervous episodes in general, becomes very (yet vaguely) ill and his friend (cousin?) Henry Clerval comes from Geneva to nurse him back to health.
g) Frankenstein receives word that his youngest brother has been murdered and returns to Geneva with Clerval. About a year has passed at this point since the creation of the monster.
h) Upon arriving in Geneva, Frankenstein finds out that Justine (the nanny) is in custody for the murder.  He also sees the monster when he is out near the scene of the crime and watches it vanish into the mountains. Frankenstein assumes correctly that the monster actually killed his brother and hopes to exonerate Justine but fails without being able to divulge his secret: “No really guys, I made a giant scary man-devil and THAT is what killed my brother, I swear!”
i) Afterwards, Frankenstein takes the mother of all solo hiking trips and we are treated to many chapters of description of glaciers, trees, mountains, and suicidal angst.
j) Here the monster finds him and (and I have mentioned before) in impeccable, sophisticated French (which is the common tongue there), admits to killing William and framing Justine, and implores Frankenstein to come to his ice cave and listen to the story of what happened to him since his creation.
Note: At this point the reader is thinking maybe, just maybe, Frankenstein is hoping the monster just kills him, because honestly, he’s like 8 feet tall, travels 410 miles like he’s out for a jog, and is canny enough to find out where people live, kill kids, and frames ladies like he’s the villain on CSI. It’s looking pretty bleak, so hey, why not stroll off with the devil and hear his tale, right?

3) The Monster’s Story

a) After being created, and rudely rejected by his maker, the Monster, who cannot speak and doesn’t understand even the concept of night and day yet, has the presence of mind to grab some clothes and papers before he flees.  (I’m giving you my “that’s bullshit” look, can you feel it?).
b) He heads straight for the woods and wanders around for months learning about life through observation until he sees a village and is promptly chased out of.  (Hence the inspiration for the nighttime pitchfork scene from the movies, except it happens in the middle here and is very brief).
c) He proceeds on to a little farmhouse with a (completely, never, ever used or looked inside of for months at a time) shed up against one of it’s outer walls and decides to hide in it. I am not sure on the timeline here, but it is the better part of a year that he eavesdrops on the family in the farmhouse during the day through a crack in the wall, and scavenges for wood and food at night.  The wood he sets out for the family as a friendly, but anonymous gesture.
d) By eavesdropping on them he does several things: learns his amazing and perfect French, learns about politics/geography/ways of man through the inhabitants’ studies, and falls in love with entire family of good-hearted souls who have no idea a big freaky dude is constantly watching them and eavesdropping on them.  He hopes to be friends with them.  It escapes his self-taught, but near-genius reason that friends don’t peep and eavesdrop on their friends through a crack in the wall, but whatever.
e) One day when everyone else is out he decides to go chat with the blind, elderly father in the house — trying to figure out a way to express his mysterious love for the whole family, when the rest of the family comes back and tries to kill him/scare him off, and then promptly moves away.
f) The monster burns down the house and leaves.  He then rescues a girl from a river and her dad tries to shoot him. And that’s IT — he’s had it with the world!  It’s time to kill a kid — woohoo!  I mean, he decides to find the Frankenstein family, by means of their ADDRESS, which he has on a letter in the papers he stole the night he was “born” — which in no way got lost or damaged this year he’s been out and about. No sir.  Still with him, and still super legible.  Ahem.
g) So he gets there, somehow locates the little brother, who at first he wants to kind of kidnap/adopt, but instead kills and removes a locket off his neck.  Then, ever so luckily, he stumbles upon the nanny asleep in a nearby barn (I think) and puts the locket in her pocket, thereby framing her.
h) Then he lies in wait for Frankenstein, obviously finds him, and lures him out to his ice cave to plead with him to make him a girlfriend because he doesn’t want to be a lonely freak anymore, he wants a freaky mate, and will move with her to relatively uninhabited South America and learn capoeira with her or whatever.  (Not only can he jog for miles unflaggingly, apparently he may also be an excellent swimmer?)
i) After a lot of internal deliberation, Frankenstein is like, “OK, fine.”  OK, not really, but he does agree. The monster says he will keep an eye on him.

4) The sh!t hits the fan. (Which is a super-gross saying, right? The mess! But I digress…)

a) So Frankenstein wants to go to England to acquire some more scientific information before he creates his new female she-devil monster freak.  Clerval insists on coming along.  Also note they do a LOT of sightseeing on the way to England, although Frankenstein is all angsty about it.
b) Frankenstein ditches Clerval in London for the Orkney islands in Scotland so he can be alone and create his she-monster.  He’s about 99% done with the body when he’s like “What am I doing???” and squishes the body up (ew!).  Monster (who has probably been peeping in wall cracks, as usual) comes in and is like It’s ON, bitch! Your whole family is screwed now, you angsty douchbag! “I will see you on your wedding night!” — and takes off.  Because Frankenstein is hoping to soon marry his sort-of adopted sister, which is not at all creepy and weird in this book.
c) Then while Frankenstein is disposing of the she-devil goo in the sea, the monster magically finds Clerval (who is supposed to be in London!), kills him, and dumps him on the beach that Frankenstein ACCIDENTALLY washed up on in a storm, which is in IRELAND. Uuuuuuh. (Cue bullshit look!).
d) Then Frankenstein gets married and the night of the wedding, tells wife to go to bed while he nervously paces hallways with guns and, oh no! Monster climbs through window and kills her — whoops! Botched it again, Franky. Then his dad dies of broken heart.  Then Frankenstein follows monster to ends of the earth and dies on the boat after telling his tale.  Definitely a feel-good ending.  By the way — there is NO mention of middle brother Ernest.  He’s completely forgotten half way through the book.  I hate that.  He’s like 16 maybe.  Poor orphaned Ernest.
e) There is just a bit more — I have to mention that once Frankenstein dies, good old peeping-monster knows the instant the body is left alone and jumps through a porthole to see the body and then deliver a speech to Walton about how he was going to go light himself on fire on a funeral pyre now.  He is just as angsty as Frankenstein, but clearly more dramatic (and agile!).

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed my synopsis.  After reliving the story, I change my mind — this is not a must-read.  Go read some Jane Austen, she doesn’t have any major plot flaws or loose ends — you’ll feel better for it — unless you read Mansfield Park, which kind of sucked.

Til next time — Time for a Coffee,

Maddy